My Ross and Rachel Moment

Yoga and I took a break.

It wasn’t because I was busy getting married, exploring Europe, or moving across the country. I could have made time for my practice like I have a thousand times before.

No.

Yoga was breaking my heart. Or more accurately, “Yoga” the industry.

I was sick of the signed Instagram posts with cliches posted to landscape backgrounds.

I was done with the word-vomit status updates instructing me to breathe, relax, love, live, do yoga, cry, be blessed, eat right, and laugh all in one fragmented sentence covered in rainbows. #blessed

I was tired of daily bikini pictures from yoga teachers, selling their bodies for clients.

I was nauseated by the hypocrisy and horrible business practices of studio owners.

I wanted to leave the room every time a yoga teacher squealed over a student doing an advanced pose. What about the people who were challenged just by making it to their mat today? What about everyone else who is making amazing progress in their own bodies?

I still squeal every time I touch my toes.

As I felt my industry slip into a two-dimensional facade, I started to feel like I didn’t belong. I felt trapped. I felt rejected by such an ‘all-accepting’ and ‘free-loving’ group.

My sour relationship with the yoga industry bled onto my own practice. I felt too much irritation, too much negativity, too many emotions for me to practice without feeling like my skin was too tight and my head was going to explode.

So I called it.

My daily practice was put to an end.

I broke up with yoga. I deleted it from Facebook, I avoided its friends.

When I drank I made my friends take my phone away.

I had no idea when we’d get back together.

It took me a month to cleanse myself of the yoga surrounding me.

It took me another month to let go of the shame and the guilt of quitting my oldest and dearest passion.

And one morning I woke up and a part of me said, “I want to do yoga today.”

So I flirted with my practice. We’re back together and taking things really slow. We’re giving each other space to find our rhythm again. We’re figuring out our new relationship.

I read a few days ago that Stephen Hawking has a new theory that nothing is completely lost in a black hole. I think this news is incredibly inspiring. It means that even the most ruinous thing in the universe cannot destroy anything completely.

How crazy wonderful? 

As I come back to my yoga practice, I’m only picking up the pieces that I like and leaving what doesn’t work for me behind.

And I love it.

I don’t know what this means for my practice or for my future.

But nothing is lost.

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8 Comments Add yours

  1. I know exactly how you feel about the “industry”. I have struggled to find a place to teach where students don’t just expect a sweaty work out and are baffled when I teach pranayama and meditation. I don’t let myself connect the “industry” to the practice. To me they aren’t even related, neither is all the branding and paraphernalia and popularity contests. That’s all maya. Yoga is yoga. You can practice in your underwear on the bare floor in silence with the only selfie existing in your mind’s eye.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you so much for this! I’ve been feeling similarly with the studios I’ve tried since I moved, and I haven’t run into many people with the same sentiments.

    I miss the wonderful experiences you lead me through and I feel so lucky to have practiced with a teacher who always brings kindness and openness and care to the mat.

    I’m glad yoga is making its way back into your life in the way that only you want it to. 🙂

    Like

  3. I love this and I love you. You are ballsy and brave and not afraid to call it like you see it. I love it that you respect and trust your intuition and keep yourself in integrity. I am thrilled that you are back to blogging. I look forward to following you as you find your way back to your mat in your own way and in your own time. Namaste. And Love. Two big thumbs up.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. YoginiB says:

      Thank you, Kath. I owe it to my teachers who showed me the difference.

      Like

  4. Where r you now? I’m in Berkeley. Are we near each other,?

    >

    Like

    1. YoginiB says:

      I just texted you

      Like

  5. Camille says:

    I love this SO HARD. Missing you, dear teacher!!!! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. YoginiB says:

      Miss you too!

      Like

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